Mosh Pit Etiquette:
Well my brothers and sisters in my neck of the woods it is summer time finally
and we all know what that means,right?Picnics,swimming,baseball,working in
the yard........AH HELL NO,not in my world.
Summer to me means outdoor Metal shows and all the cool stuff that comes
along for the ride.
Spending time with your favorite bands,sweating out in the hot sun,having a
few beers and gawking(or puking) at all the half naked Metalheads running around
is priceless to me.
But I do think we all need to follow some simple ground rules to make our
Metal experience as enjoyable as possible.
Now being the rebellious people that we are I am sure most of you are saying,"Hey Nick...
Go Fuck yourself","WE dont follow any rules at Metal shows and you should just Fucking
Die"! Ok,I do understand that to an extent but I think we all gotta admit there are a few things
that get on all of our nerves,right?
So,I have come up with a few things that Piss Me off at the shows and I guess we will
see if anyone else feels the same,fair enough?
1.)"The Naked Truth"...... I am all for enjoying the blazing hot sun but do we all really need to
take our shirts off? Yes, I know its fun to yell at the girls "Hey show us your Tits" and sometimes
they will do just that gladly but most of the time you get the look like they wouldnt Piss on you if
you were on fire. Besides for the money I am paying to see this show,I dont want the stage to be
blocked by some "wanna-be" stripper auditioning for us all. Oh,and please if your a dude...Please,think
long and hard about whether you should take your shirt off or not.Lets face it,if your over 23
unless your a male model,you should probabaly keep your shirt on...it scares us all! I know
it is not a very pleasant experience to rub up against some 400 lb. half naked sweaty dude
when I am down in the Pit.(I am sure there are guys who like that and that is ok,but I aint
one of them)
2.)"For
Christ sakes DO NOT SPILL MY BEER"....Since the price of a beer is
practically illegal,
should'nt we all be a little more careful who we throw that beer on or who's shoes we spill it on?
I know me personally,if I have to take out a loan just to buy a couple beers,I am treating them like they
are my little children and not spilling one single delicious drop.Why in the world would you throw a beer
at someone who pisses you off?That is such a waste of good hops and barley.I think the standard
"Finger in the face"perhaps followed by "expelling some type of saliva" in the offender's direction,
usually in my experience has the same desired effect, plus you never spilled your beer.
3.)"The Karaoke Assholes"......Yes,we all Love our bands and want to feel like we are part of the show but for some
people cheering,clapping,yelling and Moshing is just not enough....Oh NO,they want to stand up on their
chairs right in front of you and scream every single Fucking lyric to your favorite songs out loud in a non
pleasing fashion that makes our ears bleed and not in a good way.Look....you Fucking Clay Aiken clones,you cant sing
you cant scream,you look like Assholes,and basically have no talent at all and the only thing keeping me from
kicking your no talent Ass is that I will get thrown out and miss the show.People like this should stay at home
and sing along with the cd in the privacy of their rooms,that way only the poor family pets
will suffer,but better them than me,right?
4.)"The
casual drinkers"......Ok,these people probably get me the most as they
are not the normal every day drunks like the rest of us who know how to
handle ourselves,but they are these wanna-be rockstars who once a year
wanna hang with the big boys
and try to drink everyone else around
them under the table....WRONG DUMBASSES! Hot sun,warm beer,shitty
food,dehydration and lack of
sleep do not tend to make for the ideal drinking situations,unless of course you are a seasoned vet of the Metal shows
and know how to pace yourself.Puking your $4.00 stale hotdog all over my new Nikes will NOT make us the best of friends
I
can assure you.Please,for the sake of you not getting your weak Ass
kicked,drink water or stay home,ok?There are reasons not everyone can
be an alchoholic,it's hard work and we dont except just anyone...it is
a very exclusive club.I just payed like $8000.00 for these
tickets,please dont make me stop having fun to educate you on the fine
art of drinking,you will never be in our club,
you Suck.
5.)"The Macho Pit guys".....Yes,the Pit is Awesome and a great way to get up close and personal with the bands you Love.
But is it really necessary for these bodybuilder morons to beat down and step on a 100lb.girl and leave her in a deadly puddle
of
Piss and beer on the concrete,then raise their sweaty arm pits and yell
that "They can kick anyone's Ass"?Dudes,come on?Isnt it
the goal
of everyone to have a good time?When did having a good time mean you
have to "Kick everyone's Ass"?Ok,we already know you have small dicks
from taking all those steroids and kicking someones' Ass who weighs
300lbs. less than you,does make you a man,right?But do you realize you
are hated by about 25,000 other fans there and are probabaly gonna die
soon from
kidney failure?So,please....have fun,enjoy the day,Mosh
your asses off,but if someone falls down...help them up,ok?We all know
you and your boyfriend are tough but it's ok to take a day off once in
a while.
I mean,we are all in this together,right?It is us
Metalheads against the rest of the world,right?Now if there happen to
be some rappers or American Idol clones in the Pit............well then
my friends all bets are off....haha.
So,that being said lets all have fun at the shows this summer.There are some great bands out on the road this year. so enjoy
the music,the sun,the hot bodies,the cold beer and last but not least,what makes these shows all worth the price of
admisssion.....all of our crazy Asses brought together for one day doing what we were born to do.
"Horns way up brothers and sisters",Nick
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